


Men Are From Mars, Asgard Are From Othala

by Claire



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Crack, M/M, Never let an Asgardian read Cosmo, Wooing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-29
Updated: 2005-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-21 14:01:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12459267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/pseuds/Claire
Summary: In which someone has a crush on Rodney...





	1. Chapter 1

"I can't believe he just walked in like that!" John Sheppard fumed as he viciously poked the potato on his plate with his fork.

Rodney McKay looked at him. "It's just that the Asgard are more relaxed about privacy than we are. He probably didn't realise-"

"Didn't realise?" John interupted. "The door was triple locked and I just had Caldwell complain to me that they could hear us on the Bridge. There was no way to _not_ know what we were doing."

"They could hear us on the Bridge?" Rodney's eyes widened slightly.

John shrugged. "What can I say; you're a screamer." He paused. "And did I tell you that he tried to lock me in a supply closet yesterday?"

"Caldwell tried to lock you in one of the supply closets?" Rodney was confused.

"Not Caldwell," John replied. " _Him_." He nodded over to the other side of the mess, where Hermiod was sitting, some sort of gelatinous gray gloop in from of him.

Rodney was even more confused now. "Why would Hermiod try to lock you in a closet?"

"Because he wants you, Rodney, and I'm in his way."

Rodney laughed. "Don't be ridiculous, John. Hermiod does not 'want me'." He paused slightly. "Although, I can see why he would."

John just looked at him.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Seriously, even if he did, I want you, John. No small gray alien is going to change that." Rodney reached out for John's hand and laced their fingers together.

Slightly mollified, John nodded and went back to eating his lunch.

And on the other side of the mess, Hermiod watched as his Beloved sat with _that man_ and continued to plot.


	2. Chapter 2

John Sheppard and Elizabeth Weir looked at each other in surprise as a klaxon rang through the bridge of the Daedalus.

"Colonel Caldwell," a voice came through on the static laden radio, "there's been an explosion in laboratory three."

John didn't even wait for the nod from Weir before he turned and ran off the bridge, activating his radio as he ran. "Carson--"

"I'm already on my way," Beckett cut him off.

John almost bounced off the wall as he ran into the transport tube and slapped the button for the level where lab three was. For the level where Rodney McKay had been going over some equipment they were bringing back to Atlantis from Earth. Time slowed as the tube took too long to arrive at its destination, and John yearned for the transporters of home.

Finally the doors opened and John spilled into the corridor at a run, the mantra of 'let him be okay' running through his head at the same cadence his feet were hitting the deck. Turning the corner, he skidded to a halt as he saw Beckett leaning over a very much okay and complaining Rodney.

"Are you all right?" John asked, dropping to his knees beside McKay.

"I'm fine," Rodney replied, waving off the mask Beckett was trying to get him to put over his mouth.

"What happened?"

Rodney looked at him. "I don't know. One minute I'm checking out one of the naquadah generators, and the next bam! Smoke and klaxons and me inhaling god only knows what." Rodney's voice trailed off suddenly and he reached out for the mask in Carson's hand, placing it over his lips and breathing deeply. "If it hadn't been for Hermiod, I don't know what would have happened."

"Hermiod?" John looked up to see the ever-present Asgard standing behind Beckett.

Rodney nodded. "He came in and contained the explosion."

"Did he?" John's eyes narrowed. "Well, then, I guess I'll have to send him a thank you card."

"Well, whatever you do, you can do it later," Beckett interrupted. "I want to get Rodney down to the infirmary so I can check him over properly."

*

Hermiod frowned to himself as he watched _that man_ help his Beloved to his feet and escort him down the corridor with Doctor Beckett by their side. It should have worked. He'd looked up Earth mating rituals on their Internet and rushing in to laboratory three and saving the day should have had his Beloved falling at his feet. This was just not good enough. Not good enough at all.


	3. Chapter 3

Walking into his quarters on board the Daedelus, John Sheppard grunted in surprise as he was grabbed suddenly and pinned to the wall. Lips descended on his and a tongue tasting of raspberry slipped into his mouth. Letting himself relax into the kiss, John frowned slightly when Rodney McKay pulled away.

"It's perfect!" Rodney exclaimed. "Where did you get it? And how did you sneak it on board without me seeing? I mean, you're Atlantis's ranking military officer and that has to have some perks, but this? Totally unexpected."

John looked at Rodney in confusion. "Not that I'm objecting to this," he said, rolling his hips forward slightly and pressing himself against an answering hardness in Rodney's trousers, "but I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Of course you don't, John," Rodney smirked as he leant down and swiped his tongue over the side of John's neck.

John groaned as Rodney's lips moved over his skin, barely touching. "I-- whoa-- okay-- no, seriously." Rodney ignored him and continued his attack on John's vulnerable neck. "Rodney, stop!"

The lips against his neck froze and Rodney pulled back, looking at him. "The chocolate model of the solar system."

John shook his head.

"With Neptune as dark chocolate covered raspberry crème."

John shook his head again. Although at least that explained the sweet taste of Rodney's mouth.

Rodney frowned as he moved and looked over to the desk. "Well, if it wasn't you, who was it?"

John followed Rodney's gaze to find what appeared to be a to-scale model of the solar system with each planet rendered in a different variety of chocolate. "I take it that's Neptune," he commented, nodding towards the planet with a chunk taken out of it.

Rodney ignored him, walking over to the desk and picking up a card. "It came with this." He held the card out, waiting until John took it from him.

"For my beloved. You are sweeter than all the planets put together." John grimaced as he put the card back on the desk. "And you thought I sent that?" He didn't know what to be offended about more: that someone had sent Rodney a dire imitation of a cheesy Hallmark card, or that fact that Rodney had thought it was from him.

Rodney pulled his hand away from the inner raspberry crème of Neptune. "Well who else knows that getting me chocolate makes me hornier than hell?"

John grinned. "I didn't send it, Rodney, but I'm more than happy to take advantage."

Rodney rolled his eyes. "You always are," he muttered, eyes not leaving John's as he swept his fingers back through Neptune and offered them to his lover.

Sliding his lips over Rodney's fingers, he sucked the sweet pink stickiness off the digits in his mouth. "So," he smirked, nipping Rodney's fingers with his teeth before he let them slip away, "if I ask if I can nibble on Uranus, will you let me?"

Rodney grinned as he grabbed John's hand and pulled him over to the bed. "Absolutely."

*

Back in his room Hermiod grumbled. He had sent his Beloved a gift and now _that man_ was reaping the benefits. Setting the camera in his Beloved's room to 'record', Hermiod turned back to the book in front of him. According to Earth traditions, there were 101 ways to win your man, and Hermiod had only just started.


	4. Chapter 4

"Rodney, are--" John Sheppard's words were cut off by the sneeze that wracked his body as he opened the door to Rodney McKay's quarters. Wriggling his nose, he stepped further into the room and was assaulted by the overpowering smell of the flowers that covered every surface.

"Rodney?" he called, part of him expecting his lover to dive out of the foliage wearing only a loincloth. John paused at the thought and grinned. "Rodney?" he called again, a hint of lust colouring his tone. Silence met him, and John was just about to head to the lab to track down his errant scientist when the door to the quarters opened and Rodney walked in, accompanied by Teyla and Kate Heightmeyer.

"Are you sure you don't mind, Rodney?" Kate was asking.

"Please," Rodney replied, his nose twitching, "for the love of chocolate, take as many as you want."

"What's going on?" John asked, watching as both Kate and Teyla gathered up armfuls of flowers and disappeared out the door.

"I have no idea," Rodney answered. "I came back from the lab to get something and walked into the botanical garden from hell." He dejectedly poked a purple flower and made it sway. "I've been giving flowers away since I found them and I still haven't made a dent in them."

"So, where did they come from?" John kept his suspicion about a short, naked, grey rat to himself. After all, it might just be a coincidence that this was happening while the Daedalus was in dock.

Rodney looked at him. "If I knew that, Colonel, I'd be half way to getting rid of them."

John sighed silently. When Rodney called him Colonel outside of missions it meant either kinky sex or no sex. Unfortunately, John didn't think it was the first. "Come on," he said, "we can leave presents of them outside people's doors." If he helped Rodney get rid of them maybe he would go back from being a 'Get your hand away from there, Colonel' to a 'Oh god, yes, harder, Colonel.' Besides, he spent more time here than he did in his own quarters and he didn't really fancy turning up for the next mission briefing smelling like he'd bathed in Lily of the Valley. He picked up some of the flowers closest to him. "Are you coming?"

But Rodney wasn't paying attention. His eyes were fixed on his hand where an Athosian bee was wiggling its behind.

"Don't move," John said, putting the flowers down.

"Not moving," Rodney replied. "Absolutely not moving."

John stepped forward, reaching a hand out to carefully brush the bee from Rodney's hand, when the bee suddenly stopped wiggling and plunged its stinger into Rodney's flesh before flying off through the open balcony doors.

Rodney's eyes met his. "John--" the word was forced, breathy. "I--" And then he pitched forward.

"Rodney!" John grabbed Rodney as he fell, calling for Beckett on the comm., as he carefully lowered him to the ground. Pulling an ever-present EpiPen out of his pocket, John yanked the cap off with his teeth and spat it across the room.

Fingers grasped at his arm as John pulled Rodney's t-shirt up and jammed the pen into the exposed skin. Throwing the empty EpiPen to the floor, John ran his fingers through Rodney's hair. "Breathe with me," he murmured, thanking a god he didn't believe in any more when Rodney's ragged breath finally even out.

"John--"

"Ssh, I'm here," he replied quietly, his fingers continuing to gently run through Rodney's hair until Beckett finally arrived.

*

Hermiod reached out and turned off the monitor that he'd managed to patch into Atlantis's security system. When he'd transported the flowers from the mainland into his Beloved's room, he hadn't thought to scan them for life signs. Taking 'Woo them with flowers' off his list, he looked at the next suggestion in the book. After all, _that man_ may have his Beloved now, but Hermiod was sure it was only a matter of time.


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh my god!" Rodney snorted as he all but fell through the doors to John's quarters.

John put his book down and moved his feet out of the way as Rodney flopped down onto the bed. "Rodney?"

"I-- lab-- Kavanagh-- _bald_ \--" Was all Rodney got out before the laughter overtook him again.

John ran a hand down Rodney's arm. "Babe, calm down and tell me what happened."

Putting a hand over his eyes Rodney breathed deeply, getting his laughter under control. Moving his hand and linking his fingers with John's, he smiled. "Apparently, someone put hair removal cream in Kavanagh's shampoo."

John couldn't stop the smirk that sprang to his lips. "Bald?"

"Totally," Rodney nodded. "He stormed into the science meeting shouting and screaming and accusing me and Radek."

John looked at Rodney, silent question in his eyes.

Rodney shook his head. "Not to blame."

John heard the wishfulness in Rodney's voice. Kavanagh had made a massive scene in the Commisary the day before, commenting that both Rodney and Radek were only on the mission because they both must have earned it on their knees. It was obvious to anyone who had been there how annoyed Rodney had been, and only the fact that John and Carson had managed to bundle their two scientists away stopped the incipient bloodshed.

John's thoughts paused.

Obvious to anyone who had been there.

The Daedelus had arrived last night. He might have known.

Rodney continued, unaware of John's thoughts. "Although I wish I knew who it was; the sight alone was worth half the month's chocolate ration. Between Kavanagh's apoplexy and Miko offering to read his bumps I don't think I've ever seen anything better."

"Never?" John asked, swinging a leg over Rodney and straddling his body, firmly keeping his mind off a certain naked gray rat.

"Well," Rodney answered, eyes dilating as John's body rubbed against his, "almost never."

*

Hermiod grumbled as he watched the video feed from _that man's_ quarters. Yes, his Beloved was happy, which Hermiod felt more than made up for the little accident with the flowers and the bee, but he'd also gone straight to _that man_. Absently twisting the cap on the bottle of extra strength hair remover, Hermiod watched as his Beloved ran his fingers through _that man's_ hair as their lips met. Maybe it wasn't the hairy man's shampoo bottle he should have chosen after all.


	6. Chapter 6

John's eyes swept around the Commissary, wondering exactly how many people were watching Rodney fellate his dessert. "I knew it was a bad thing when the Daedalus said they had bananas with them," he muttered, shifting in his seat as the fruit slid back between Rodney's lips. "Rodney, stop that!"

Rodney looked up, biting the end of the banana off. "Stop what? I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, smirk tugging at the corners of his lips as he swallowed. "I'm just enjoying my banana." He wrapped his lips around the fruit, never once breaking eye contact with John as it slid deeper into his mouth.

"If you don't stop doing that, I'm going to bend you over this table and give Caldwell the show he's been waiting for," he said, voice pitched low so only his lover could hear him.

Rodney coughed, choking slightly. "That was uncalled for." He glanced over to one of the other tables where Caldwell was sitting with some of the Daedalus crew.

John grinned. "But you love me anyway."

"Frighteningly enough, yes I--"

Rodney's reply was cut off as a screech echoed through Atlantis over the comm. system.

"What the?" John didn't even have time to stick his fingers in his ears before the sound cut off.

"Radek, was that anything you did?" Rodney asked, activating his radio.

John turned his own earpiece on, Zelenka's voice floating into his ear. "--And I resent implication that it was!"

"I wasn't implying anything, Radek, it was an out-and-out accusation," Rodney commented.

"Is merely jealousy of my brain," Radek retorted. "We did nothing."

Zelenka cut the connection, but the silence only lasted a few seconds before Elizabeth's voice replaced it.

"Rodney, what was that noise? We've got reports coming in from all over the city."

"I don't know, Elizabeth," Rodney answered, standing up. "It may have been some sort of feedback over the communications network, but I won't know for definite until I can look at the systems. We're on our way up to the Control Room now."

"We'll see you in a minute, then. Weir out."

John stood up, falling into step beside Rodney as they walked towards the transporter. They'd barely taken a few steps before the comm. system once more flared to life. However, this time, though, the noise that came out was far, far worse.

John looked at Rodney in surprise. "Is that--?"

But his words were cut off by Elizabeth's voice coming through the radios. "Why is Celine Dion playing through the city?!"

"Because the Wraith have discovered Atlantis is still here and have decided to try and drive us out by forcing us to listen to bad music," snapped Rodney. "Next up is the Backstreet Boys."

"Hey, I kinda like--" John's words trailed off at Rodney's glare. "So," he said, feeling like a change of topic was the only way he was getting into Rodney's pants that night, "meatloaf for dinner tonight, then?"

Rodney wasn't listening to him. "Radek?"

"I don't know!" Zelenka's disturbed tone came over the radio. "Am trying and Miko is trying and Simpson is trying, and not one of us can see where it is coming from."

"Keep trying," Rodney said, "I'm going up to the Control Room is see if I can switch this damn music off from up there before my brain starts dribbling out of my ears." He switched off the radio and pressed a hand gingerly to the side of his head. "I can feel my IQ dropping with each note."

"I would have thought you'd have liked her. You know, with you both being from Canada." John had to swallow the grin he could feel rising to his face at the look of stunned incredulity Rodney was giving him.

"It's Celine Dion, John. She's not from Canada, she's from the deepest reaches of Hell!"

"So, definitely not a fan, then." John let the grin out.

Rodney just glared, and started to head towards the transporter. "When _this_ ," his hand waved around in the air, "is over, remind me to play you some Sarah McLachlan. _That's_ a singer Canada can be proud of." He turned suddenly, eyes fixed on John. "Now, the sooner we get this stopped, the sooner we can get back to my quarters."

John's grin widened. They'd save their people from the evil that was Celine Dion, then go back to Rodney's and listen to music. And if they happened to be in bed and naked while listening, well then that was just a bonus.

*

Hermiod's eyes narrowed as he watched his Beloved walk out of the Commissary with _that man_. He wasn't sure where he'd gone wrong. The singer he'd chosen was apparently famous on Earth for her love songs, and was from the same country as his Beloved; she should have been perfect. Instead, his Beloved was walking away from him with _that man_ and Hermiod was stuck with yet another failure in 'Serenade them with music'. This wouldn't do, it just wouldn't do at all.


	7. Chapter 7

"Colonel Sheppard!"

John jumped slightly as Radek's voice barked into his ear, looking around furtively to check if anyone had seen him. "Yes, Dr Zelenka?"

"Please come to lab immediately-- Rodney, stop that!"

John frowned at the high-pitched command. "Radek, is everything okay?"

There was a pause and a muffled giggle that sounded like Rodney before Radek replied. "Just hurry, Colonel."

John was already moving towards the nearest transporter as the radio cut off. Within minutes he was standing outside the lab, door opening at his request, allowing Zelenka's voice to reach him.

"--that down!"

He walked into the lab, curious at what could have the normally calm Czech sounding so stressed, and stopped dead, eyes widening at the tableau before him. Rodney was holding something behind his back, pouting like a recalcitrant schoolboy, and Radek was standing there, looking every inch the firm, if rather short, schoolmaster. All he needed was the cane to spank Rodney with and he was set. John paused at the thought and shook his head. If anyone here were going to spank Rodney it would be John. Shaking his head again to rid it of the image of Rodney laid out over his knee John cleared his throat. "What's going on?"

Rodney's head snapped around to look at him. "John!" he called joyfully. Thrusting whatever he'd been holding at Zelenka, Rodney all but bounded over to John, grinning. "Hi, John!"

John stared at Rodney for long moments, before his gaze slid over to Zelenka. "Radek?"

Zelenka sighed, placing the box in his hands on the bench. "Do not ask me, Colonel. I leave him here to go fetch something from lab two and he is fine. I come back and--" He waved a hand in the still grinning Rodney's direction.

John turned back to look at his lover. "Rodney, have you been in Carson's good drugs again?"

Rodney looked at him. "No. Scout's honour."

John barely managed to cover the snort as the mental image of Rodney in shorts and trying to start a fire with two sticks sprang into his mind.

Rodney paused thoughtfully. "I did get lube from him, though." He glanced over at Zelenka quickly. "I wanted the self-warming, edible lube," he stage-whispered in a voice that carried through the entire lab, "but I think he kept it for him and Radek."

Radek coughed, glaring at Rodney, who was too busy pressing himself against John to take any notice.

"Can we have sex now?" Rodney asked plaintively.

John managed to grab Rodney's hand before it reached his BDUs. As much as he would have liked to take Rodney up on his offer, he'd rather find out exactly what had happened to his lover first. "No."

Rodney was silent for long moments before he met John's eyes again. "How about now?"

John ignored the question. "Have you touched anything strange recently?"

"Only Radek," Rodney answered. "Does Radek count as strange?"

John sighed inwardly. "No, Radek doesn't count as strange. Also, you'd better not let Carson hear you say that."

Rodney's eyes widened. "It wasn't the naughty kind of touching," he said, sounding rather affronted. "I only do that with you."

"Glad to hear it," John murmured, pulling Rodney's questing fingers away from his trousers again. "Rodney, think. What happened after Radek left you alone?"

Rodney tapped his finger thoughtfully against his lips. "Work," he said eventually. "More work. Even more work. Oh, and the Atlantis fairy brought me coffee."

John's eyes narrowed at that. "The Atlantis fairy?"

Rodney nodded his head vigorously. "And it wasn't you, so that's something else Kavanagh's wrong about."

John frowned, and made a mental note to let Lorne know that a certain scientist needed to at least triple the physical training he was already doing. "Tell me about the Atlantis fairy?" John said, still half unable to believe those words had just passed his lips.

"I was working," replied Rodney, "and there was no coffee." He looked into John's eyes earnestly. "This was not good. But I carried on; disregarding the dire coffee-less state I was in. I knocked my pen on the floor and bent down to get it and when I stood back up, there was coffee on my desk. But there was no one else there but me. Therefore, the only logical conclusion is that the Atlantis fairy put it there." Rodney nodded to himself.

John looked over to Rodney's desk, and sure enough, there were two cups sitting there. One of them was Rodney's normal cup, 'Best Scientist in the World. Ever.' emblazoned across it, and sitting next to it was a non-descript grey mug. John frowned, a nagging thought blossoming in his mind. "Radek, can you pass me that mug, please?"

Zelenka picked up the second mug and handed it to John.

Lifting it up, John's frown deepened when his suspicion was confirmed. Across the bottom of the mug was a little imprint declaring 'Daedalus' on it. Atlantis had a fairy all right. A little naked, grey, rat-like fairy. John took a sniff of the remainder of the mug's contents. It may have smelled like coffee, but John didn't trust that that was all that was in there. "Come on, Rodney," he said, wrapping an arm around his scientist.

"Oh, are we going to have sex now?" Rodney asked, his eyes lighting up with glee.

"Later," John promised. "Right now, we're going to see Carson." And have him run tests on what's in this mug, John didn't say.

"Do you think he'll have any of the self-warming, edible lube? Maybe the Daedalus brought some with them." Rodney smiled. "Mmm, edible lube."

John glanced down at Rodney as he manoeuvred them both out of the lab. "I promise I'll get you all the edible lube you want, babe. But first, Carson."

"Okay." Rodney nodded as he let John lead him down the corridor. "But as long as we have sex later."

*

Back on the Daedalus, Hermiod frowned. The book had suggested a romantic dinner for two, even giving a list of Earth foods that were classed as having aphrodisiac properties. Hermiod had thought about it, but realised that getting his Beloved away from _that man_ long enough to have dinner together was going to be nearly impossible. Besides, why spend time using foods that might have that effect, when the Asgard had something even better that they had confiscated from one of the annexed Goa'uld worlds. One cup of coffee with a little extra in it later, and Hermiod had been ready to go. If only the small scruffy man hadn't come back so soon. Although, Hermiod admitted to himself as the camera tracked _that man_ leading his giggling Beloved down Atlantis's corridors, the properties of the Athala Root hadn't been exactly what he'd been expecting. Maybe it was his Beloved's ATA gene. Maybe it was the fact that the vials had sat in Thor's laboratory for a few years. Either way, Hermiod now had more data to work with. Given time, he could perfect the formula and then he could try again.


	8. Chapter 8

"Need you, want you." The mantra fell from Rodney's lips as he pulled at John's clothes, the door to Rodney's quarters closing behind them.

John grinned as he wrapped his fingers around Rodney's wrists and spun them around, pressing Rodney against the wall with his hands above his head.

"John--" Rodney tried to pull his hands away but John just tightened his grip. He loved having Rodney against him, all wanting and needy. Lowering his head, he swiped his tongue along Rodney's neck, revelling in the full body shudder that ran through his lover at the touch.

"John, let me go," Rodney pleaded, pushing against John's leg.

"Why should I?" John asked lightly, thumb caressing Rodney's palm.

Rodney leaned forward and captured John's lower lip between his teeth, sucking it into his mouth and running his tongue along it before releasing it and moving back. "Because if you do, I'll do that to an entirely different part of your body."

John felt the heat flush through him at Rodney's words. Laughing, he dragged his lover away from the wall and towards the bed. Pressing their lips together, John dropped back onto the bed, pulling Rodney with him.

John's scream as several sharp things embedded into him was almost drowned out by the yowl coming from under him. Almost.

Rodney yelped as he landed on the floor, John having pushed him off the bed in his haste to get away from the sharp pain in his ass.

"What the hell was that?" John growled, fingers prodding at his ass cheeks to see what the damage was.

"Jo--" Rodney's voice stopped suddenly as he looked at the bed. "Dalek?"

John followed Rodney's gaze, eyes widening at the malevolent ball of fluff that was staring back at him and hissing. "Rodney," he said, rather surprised to find his voice was coming out a lot more calmly than he felt, "why is there a cat on the bed?"

Rodney didn't answer as he pushed himself to his feet. "Dalek? Is that really you?"

The cat stopped hissing as it turned to look at Rodney. "Mrawr."

Rodney crossed the distance to the bed in two strides, scooping the cat up in his arms and rubbing his cheek against its fur. The cat settled down instantly in his arms and started purring.

"Rodney?" John stared at the very obviously from Earth cat that was being held by Rodney in his very obviously not on Earth quarters.

Rodney looked up, his fingers never once stopping scratching the cat behind its ears. "I don't know how, John, but this is Dalek. My cat," he added. "John, meet Dalek. Dalek, meet John." Rodney grinned as he glanced down at the animal he was holding. "He kept me warm when you couldn't," he murmured at the cat, eyes shining with delight when he looked back up at John.

John took a step closer to Rodney, holding his hand out for the cat - for Dalek - to sniff. When no objection was forthcoming, John's fingers joined Rodney's in stroking behind Dalek's ears. The purring increased in volume.

"He likes you," smiled Rodney.

"Like his owner, he has good taste," John replied. "Although, unlike his owner, as far as I know he wasn't on the expedition manifest. Not unless you've been hiding him in your sock drawer for the past year."

Rodney snorted. "Hardly. I tried to bring him as my personal item, but they objected on the flimsy grounds of the unknowns of introducing a non-native animal into the Pegasus ecosystem." He rolled his eyes. "I mean, it's not as if he hadn't had his shots."

"And now he's here," John said, his fingers stopping scratching until Dalek head-butted him in the hand to make him start again. Now he was here on the same day as the Daedalus had arrived. John frowned. He thought the cats were supposed to go after the rats, not the other way around.

Rodney's hold on Dalek tightened. "He can't go back."

"Rodney--"

"Look, John, he's crossed a galaxy to get here. It's the stuff Disney movies are made of. At least it would be if this wasn't classified and Disney wasn't actually a front for the American government to control its citizens through subliminal mess--"

John shut Rodney up by kissing him as Dalek purred happily between them. They'd have to get Dalek checked out by one of the zoologists, before anything else and-- John pulled back from the kiss. "Rodney?"

"Yes?"

"Where are we going to find kitty litter in Atlantis?"

*

Back on the Daedalus, Hermiod looked at the long scratches running down his arm. The small endothermic quadruped he'd retrieved for his Beloved had not been the most co-operative of things when Hermiod had gone to get it. Between that, and the shrieking woman who had walked in when he was attempting to wrestle the beast into the stasis cage it would be transported in on the Daedalus, Hermiod hadn't been entirely sure that his course of action was the right one. However, seeing the look on his Beloved's face when he'd seen the feline more than made up for any injury Hermiod had received. Even seeing his Beloved in the arms of _that man_ wasn't enough to dampen the joy Hermiod felt when he thought of his Beloved's smile. Hermiod hummed happily to himself and mentally ticked 'Give them their heart's desire' as a roaring, or rather, meowing, success.


	9. Chapter 9

John looked up at Elizabeth as he stepped through the 'Gate back into Atlantis. "Where?" he asked without preamble.

"Section 3, East Pier," Weir replied.

"Figures," John said, shaking his head slightly as he jogged out of the Control Room towards the transporter.

With both Teyla and Dex on stand down for the next couple of weeks due to an infection picked up on the last mission, John had taken the chance to go to P3X-963 with Bates to evaluate it as a possible evacuation site in case of any emergencies, leaving Rodney to use the time to check out one of the rooms Stackhouse's team had found on the East Pier.

Only the room apparently turned out to be a cold storage and Rodney had somehow managed to get himself locked inside. According to Weir, the door had resisted all efforts to open it using the ATA gene and they wanted John to try before resorting to having Zelenka pick apart the controls.

The room in question was a transport and quick jog away and after only a few minutes John was standing outside the locked door, alongside Stackhouse, Zelenka and Beckett.

"Carson?" A hint of worry coloured John's tone. He hadn't been told it was cold enough inside the room to warrant medical interventional.

"Just a precaution, Colonel," Beckett replied, pre-empting the obvious concern on John's face.

John nodded as Zelenka looked over to at him.

"Colonel, you are ready to try now, yes?"

Handing the P-90 he was still wearing to Stackhouse, John looked at the door and willed it to open. When the door resisted, John's thoughts broke off in surprise. "This isn't right," he murmured.

"Colonel?"

He turned to face Zelenka. "The door," he expanded. "It's almost as though it's not that it doesn't want to open, it's that something's stopping it."

Radek frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know," John replied carefully. It just felt-- off to him. Normally, John would ask and Atlantis would respond. But this time it was like she was trying to answer his request but couldn't. Placing his hand on the door briefly, John made his decision. "Crack the panel."

Zelenka nodded and removed the casing to the control panel, taking only a couple of minutes to hook up his laptop to the door. He typed something in and frowned. Muttering something in Czech, he typed again. This time the frown deepened.

"What is it?" John wasn't sure if he wanted the answer.

"Looks like a subroutine has been added to the system," Radek replied, his eyes never leaving the laptop screen.

"Is that possible?" Carson asked.

Only then did Radek look up. "Is possible. Is difficult and prone to anomalous error, but is possible."

"Error?" John latched onto the word.

Radek angled the laptop so John could see it. "You see this?" he pointed to a piece of code running across the screen.

John looked at it, not understanding it fully but seeing the intrinsic patterns behind it. "Yes?"

"That has been put in as override to the door's responsiveness to ATA gene. Then has interacted with this," he pointed to another piece of code, "and has done something which will take many hours to figure out."

"That many hours concept could be a problem," Carson interrupted, his eyes on the display next to the door. "It's getting colder in there."

John's eyes fixed on the display, noticing that the temperature level was indeed lower than it had been when he'd first arrived. "How long is it safe in there?" he asked, trying to remember if Rodney had put on his jacket that morning.

Carson eyed the temperature gauge as he thought about it. "At this temperature? Two hours. Less if it drops any further."

John shrugged off his jacket, wishing he had some way to pass it through the door to Rodney. "Best get started then, hadn't we."

An hour passed and Radek rubbed at his eyes. John wasn't sure what the viciously muttered words were, but he'd bet a puddlejumper they were mainly swearing.

Carson moved to behind where Radek was sitting cross-legged on the floor. Crouching down, he rubbed at the Czech's shoulders. "You can do it."

Radek's fingers came up, touching Carson's hand briefly before he went back to typing.

Long minutes passed until Radek finally looked at John. "Try now."

Pressing his hand to the door, the metal smooth under his fingers, John closed his eyes and willed the door to open. There was a slight tugging sensation behind his eyes and he almost heard Atlantis whisper to him that she was trying, but the feeling escaped as Carson's words reached him.

"The temperature's just taken another dive. We need to get them out of there now."

John's eyes snapped open as he whirled to face Beckett. "Them?"

Carson glanced at Radek briefly before meeting John's gaze. "Hermiod is in there with him.

And suddenly it all made sense - code that shouldn't be there, trapping Rodney inside a room with an alien who would apparently do anything to get time alone with his lover. And if the rat started boiling rabbits anytime soon, John was just grabbing Rodney and running; he'd deal with the consequences later.

"John?" There was something akin to understanding in Beckett's eyes.

"I'm fine, Carson," John replied, knowing that would be a lie right up until the moment they got Rodney out of that room. He nodded at Radek. "Again." Turning back to the door, John fixed his entire being on Atlantis. Twists and trails and threads of want danced just on the edge of his consciousness. "Come on," he murmured, half to himself and half to Atlantis, "don't make me raise Dalek as a single parent." The sound of Zelenka frantically tapping at his laptop kept a staccato rhythm as John reached for any part of Atlantis he could find. 'Please,' he thought as one of the threads eluding him finally, _finally_ , coalesced into something tangible. Seizing it, he willed Atlantis to hear him, relief washing through him when she answered him with the sound of the door sliding open.

John was moving before he thought about it, cold air hitting him in a wave as he knelt beside the barely conscious form of Rodney. Blue lips moved slightly, and John had to lean down, press his ear close to Rodney's mouth to be able to hear him.

"Knew you'd come."

*

The Infirmary was quiet, the silence broken by only the careful hum of the machinery surrounding them. Jolted out of his reverie by the hand on his shoulder, John turned to face Carson.

"He'll be fine, Colonel. His core temperature is nearly back to normal and he'll be out of here in no time."

John nodded, his hand reaching up to cover Beckett's briefly.

"You should get some sleep," Carson said gently.

"I will," John promised. "In a bit."

Beckett studied John's face for long moments before nodding. "I'll be back later," he said before walking back towards his office.

Brushing his fingers over Rodney's hair, John paused, a trickle of unease washing over him. Turning around, his gaze met the dark round eyes staring at him and Rodney. Refusing to break the gaze, John covered the distance to Hermiod's bed in a few long strides. "Stay away from him."

The Asgard's eyes blinked owlishly. "I do not know what you mean, Colonel."

"Yes you do." John clenched his hands, trying to keep his anger under control. "Stay the hell away from him, or I swear, I will stick you in one of the Daedalus's airlocks and space you."

Hermiod didn't answer as John walked away back to Rodney's bedside. Closing the curtain around the bed, John sat down and took Rodney's hand in his, the fingers feeling still too cold against his skin. Lowering his head to the bed, John ran his thumb over the back of Rodney's hand closed his eyes, letting the steady breathing of his lover lull him to sleep.

*

Hermiod's eyes narrowed as he watched the silhouettes behind the curtain. When he'd planted the code into the system he hadn't expected it to react like that. The room was meant to get slightly colder, prompting his Beloved to have to move closer in order to share body heat. Instead, Hermiod was stuck in Atlantis's Infirmary having to watch _that man_ paw at his Beloved. This wouldn't do. This just wouldn't do at all.


	10. Chapter 10

John watched Rodney pace across the floor of his quarters, unsure exactly how the conversation had got as far away from him as it had. When Rodney had turned up at his quarters, John had been thinking more along the lines of 'yay, sex!' than 'let's argue about a naked grey rat who would look pretty good being sucked out of an airlock.' Closing his eyes for a moment, John tried again. "Rodney--"

Rodney, however, was having none of it. "I can't believe you seriously think that. It's like you've put two and two together and come up with the square root of pi!"

"Rodney--"

Rodney didn't even register the interruption. "Where's the evidence, John? Tell me that much. Tell me where the evidence that Hermiod apparently holds this massive torch for me is."

John felt his anger bubble over. "He tried to lock me in a damn closet!" Pushing himself off the bed, John stalked towards Rodney, ticking off each point on his fingers. "Over the past few months that little git has tempted you with chocolate, terrorised the base with Celine Dion and locked you in a cold store."

"He saved me from the explosion in the Daedalus's lab," pointed out Rodney.

"Which he caused in the first place!" John countered.

Rodney stopped his pacing and stared at him. "There's no proof that Hermiod did anything of the sort."

"I don't need proof!" John could feel his control starting to wane. "I know he did it."

"You just _know_?" And, oh, the eyebrow was rising in a move John was sure Rodney had stolen from him when he wasn't looking. "What, did you discover some sort of Ancient hunch-proving device when my back was turned?"

John scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "Rodney, think about it. The only viable explanation for all of the incidents that have happened is that Hermiod has been orchestrating them."

"In order to get you out of the way and me into his love shack of desire," Rodney added, deadpan.

"Yes!" John agreed, desperately not trying to think about anything relating to Hermiod's love shack of desire. Especially not associated with Rodney. "And before you ask, no I don't know why. Maybe he thinks I'm too tall for you. Or not smart enough."

Rodney just looked at him. "John, if short and intelligent were my only criteria, I'd be dating Radek."

"Ha," John muttered, "like Radek would have you." Rodney's eyes narrowed as John continued. "It's not meant to be rational, Rodney; he's in love with you, not proving Fermat's last theorem."

"So is half the science team, it doesn't mean they're in the habit of trying to lock me in cold storage every other Thursday."

"They're also not working out the best way to kill me with shark-mounted lasers!" John retorted. Well, there was that issue with Simpson and the last of the chocolate pudding the week earlier, but John was sure she was over that.

"He's not Doctor Evil, John!" Exasperation dripped from every word. "He's not sitting in his quarters working out the best ways to kill you with shark-mounted lasers because he thinks it'll be a good laugh."

"No, he's not," John agreed. "He's sitting in his quarters working out the best ways to kill me with shark-mounted lasers _in order to get to you_. He's obsessed, Rodney. Can't you see it?"

"See what? Seriously, John, the only one who seems to be obsessed around here is you."

"Only because I'm trying to save you from the horror of a horny rat!" John snapped. "Although god knows why I'm fighting it, the way I feel at the moment he's bloody welcome to you!"

Silence reigned throughout the room for long moments before Rodney spoke. "If that's really what you think, then maybe we should spend some time apart."

John's head jerked up, trying to catch the gaze that was looking anywhere but at him. "Are you breaking up with me?" John inwardly winced at the almost needy tone of his voice, frantically squashing his inner fourteen-year-old girl back into deepest recesses of his subconscious.

Rodney's eyes met his, the other man obviously choosing his words carefully. "I just think it might be advisable if we take a step back; take some time to think." Rodney headed over to the door, opening it with a thought. "I--" Rodney didn't finish the sentence. He glanced at the floor for a brief moment before he walked out of the room, the door closing behind him.

Grabbing the nearest thing to him John hurled it at the door, watching in perverse satisfaction as the lamp shattered and rained tiny particles of glass onto the floor. Slumping down onto the bed, he let himself fall back and covered his eyes with his arm as he wondered what the hell had just happened.

*

In his room on board the Daedalus, Hermiod smiled to himself as he watched his Beloved walk out of _that man's_ room. The smile faltered as his Beloved only got as far as the transporter before he turned around, heading back towards *that man* and out of Hermiod's reach. Pressing several buttons on his console, Hermiod mentally counted down the seconds until he pressed his radio. "Hermiod to Novak."

"Yes?" The feminine voice floated out of his radio.

"There is a feedback loop building in the hyper drive. We must correct it immediately, or risk explosion."

Hermiod wasn't familiar with all of the terms that Novak proceeded to use, but her general feelings were more than clear.

"I believe Doctor McKay may be of some use."

"Yes, yes, you're right. I'll radio him."

Novak cut the connection and Hermiod turned back to his monitor, seeing his Beloved pause in the corridor and speak into his radio. He wasn't sure what Novak said, but it was successful. The smile returned to Hermiod's face as he watched his Beloved press his fingers briefly against _that man's_ door before turning to hurry quickly away, lips moving as he barked orders to what Hermiod assumed were the rest of the science team. Typing in more commands to his console, Hermiod hummed softly to himself. This was going better than he planned.


	11. Chapter 11

John opened his eyes, groaning as the bright light assaulted him. The last thing he remembered was heading towards one of the transporters on his way to find Rodney and kiss some sense into his oblivious lover. He remembered actually getting into the transporter and then nothing. Pushing himself up, he looked around the room he was in. The stark grey metal walls were nothing he'd ever seen in Atlantis, and he couldn't hear the gentle murmuring of the city in the back of his mind.

"John," he muttered to himself, "I don't think you're in Kansas anymore."

A quick recon of the room showed the only door to be locked and no communication devices anywhere, including his missing radio. He was just about to try the time-honoured tradition of yelling and banging on the door when one of the walls suddenly flared to life. Spinning to face the picture now running on the wall, John's eyes widened as he immediately recognised the image as his own quarters.

"What the--?" John took an involuntary step forward as he watched a figure bustle about setting a romantic dinner for two - a figure he recognised as himself. Not!John had just put a bottle of what looked like Athosian wine on the table when John heard his quarter's door chime ring.

Not!John glanced up quickly, eyes seemingly meeting John's as the impostor stared straight at the camera for a second before answering the door.

_"Hi."_

John's heart sank as he immediately recognised the voice of the person not!John was now ushering into the room.

Not!John looked at Rodney and smiled.

_"I'm glad you came."_

"I'll kill him," John fumed, knowing with every inch of his soul that the thing impersonating him was the little rat he should have shoved out of airlock months ago. The little rat who had apparently been watching them for god knows how long. John felt ill. If there was a camera into his quarters then there was definitely one going into Rodney's. Suddenly every moment he'd spent with Rodney felt tainted. Everything they'd done, everything they'd said. They'd lain in bed and spoken words that neither of them had ever said to anyone else, and Hermiod had watched it all. Screw the airlock, John thought. When he got out of here, he was going to cut Hermiod into little pieces and feed him to Dalek.

_"I would have even if you hadn't asked."_

John grinned at the tone of his lover's voice. That was his Rodney, all right.

_"We need to talk, Rodney. Please, sit."_

Not!John pulled out a chair and waved Rodney into it.

"Oh, come on, Rodney!" John muttered. "When the hell have I ever pulled out a chair for you?"

_"Would you like some wine?"_

Rodney nodded, and not!John poured him a glass, watching as Rodney took a deep drink.

"Don't do that!" John snapped. "You know how the Athosian stuff affects you--" John's words trailed off in horror. "Don't drink it," he urged, as not!John poured another glass, taking a sip before putting it down. "You don't know what's in it. Don't drink it."

Rodney looked at not!John.

_"About yesterday. We were both stressed and not thinking straight. Not that we ever think straight because, hello, both men here. Anyway, I think we should just put it behind us and can we get to the--"_

_"I think we should split up."_

John listened in horror as the words came out of not!John's mouth.

_"--make-up sex now?-- Excuse me?"_

_"I think we should split up."_ Not!John repeated. _"Would you like some more wine?"_

Rodney looked down as his drink before knocking the rest of it back, slamming the empty glass on the table.

_"No, I don't want any more wine. But if you'd like to give me the bottle I can crack you over the head with it!"_

Rodney stood up and started to pace.

_"You think we should split up? And where the hell did this gem of an idea come from?"_

Not!John waited patiently for Rodney to finish his rant.

"Ha!" John muttered. "Another thing you got wrong. I never wait for him to finish ranting. I have him on the bed and naked three words in just to shut him up."

Rodney's voice finally trailed off as he stopped pacing to look at not!John, his eyes narrowing.

_"Are you all right?"_

"No, I'm not all right!" John yelled at the screen. "I'm. Not. Me!"

_"I'm fine, Rodney. Why do you ask?"_

Rodney didn't answer. He took a step towards not!John, a hand reaching out.

_"I bet it's those bugs from Katan. Alien mosquitoes are never a good thing. You probably have a fever, and we'll have to call Carson to practice his voodoo on you. On the upside, it's another chance for sex in the Infirmary. A new batch of nurses came in on the Daedalus, and we have to keep our one hundred percent record making the medical staff jealous as hell--"_

Not!John reached up, catching Rodney's fingers in his own before Rodney could touch his forehead.

_"I'm fine. Honestly."_

Rodney snorted, pulling his fingers out of not!John's grasp.

_"Tell me that when your temperature is 104 and I'm having to give you cold sponge baths."_

He pressed his fingers against not!John's forehead, stilling almost imperceptibly at the touch, thoughtful look on his face.

"Come on, Rodney," John urged. "Not me. Small naked grey rat pretending to be me. And so not getting the hair right, I'd like to point out."

Rodney stopped away from not!John.

_"Okay, so no fever. In fact, kind of colder than you usually are."_

He looked at not!John, his voice light as he spoke.

_"So, this breaking up thing. Any specific reason?"_

_"You just deserve so much more, someone better."_

"What the hell do you mean he deserves more?!" John objected. "He's got me, for god's sake!"

_"And by someone better, you mean someone like, say, Hermiod?"_

John stood rigid, his eyes fixed on the screen. He knew that tone of Rodney's; he'd heard it often enough. The tone that said 'I know I'm right and I'm going to give you exactly enough rope to hang yourself, because I'm better than you are and you're an idiot if you ever thought otherwise.'

"About time, McKay," John grinned. "About goddamn time!"

Not!John never stood a chance, and John was more than looking forward to watching Rodney rip Hermiod a new one. He was busy mentally bemoaning the lack of popcorn, good beer and a comfortable chair when a noise behind him made him spin around-- and stare straight through the now open door into Novak's concerned face. "Novak?"

"Colonel--"

"How?--" John started to ask, cutting himself off before the question was even fully formed. "Never mind," he turned back to glance at the screen, where Rodney was striding towards not!John with a furious gleam in his eyes, "just get me down there now."

When Novak opened her mouth to argue John just looked at her. "Yes, sir," she nodded, pressing a button on the wall.

_"And adding in the fact that he was actually **right** means I'm going to be on my knees in front of John Sheppard for the rest of my life--"_

were the last words John heard as the Asgard transport beam took him.

John felt a momentary wave of disconcerting nothingness and then his own quarters shimmered into life around him.

Rodney looked at him, eyes widening slightly at his sudden appearance before schooling themselves into calm. "John."

John was suddenly all too aware of the last words they had spoken to each other. "Rodney."

"Are you okay?" Concern laced Rodney's tone, and if he had to pinpoint it, John's pretty sure that was the moment Rodney actually realised that for Hermiod to have been impersonating John, the Asgard would have had to get John out of the way first.

"Well, I apparently got overpowered by a three foot tall naked alien, before being forced into watching said alien try to get into my boyfriend's pants. The very same boyfriend, by the way, who didn't actually believe me when I tried to tell him the alien was after his body in the first place." John paused. "But aside from that I'm good."

Rodney was silent for long moments. "Did anyone ever tell you your boyfriend's kind of an idiot?"

"Yeah," John grinned as he looked straight at Rodney, "but I love him anyway."

There was a beat and then, "glad to hear it," as Rodney returned the grin.

The incipient love-fest was halted only by the sound of not!John trying to surreptitiously move towards the door.

"You!" John whirled around, pointed at the impostor. "Don't move another muscle. And for god's sake, stop being me, it's distracting."

"You can say that again," Rodney murmured. "I always thought two John Sheppards was something that would stay firmly in my imagination."

"I would be willing to stay in this form if you so desire it," not!John said earnestly.

John frowned. "Don't even think about it," he growled. "Now take me off!"

Not!John placed a hand down his trousers and jiggled something about.

"Oh now that's familiar," Rodney muttered, as not!John shimmered out of existence, replaced by Hermiod's natural naked grey ratty visage.

John glared at him as he raised his hand to his radio, belatedly remembering it was still missing.

Noticing the aborted movement, Rodney took his own radio off and handed it to John without a word.

Hooking it into his ear, John activated the radio. "Sheppard to Lorne-- Major, report to my quarters and bring a couple of Marines with you-- I'll explain when you get here."

Barely five minutes had past before the door chimed, John casting a thought in its direction to open it.

Major Lorne stepped inside, flanked by two of the Marines. "Sir?" He looked at the trio standing in John's quarters.

"Major, take Hermiod down to one of the holding cells and lock him in there. And then call Colonel Caldwell down; I need to have a little chat with him about better controlling his aliens."

Major Lorne's eyes flicked to Hermiod before turning his attention back to John. "What are the charges, sir?"

"Abduction, forced imprisonment, impersonating an officer and trying to steal my boyfriend." John rattled off the list.

"I don't think you'll get the last one to stick," Rodney pointed out dryly.

"Fine," replied John. "Then just the first three. Either way, Major, I want him out of my sight."

Lorne nodded and turned to Hermiod. "If you'll come with me, please." It wasn't a question as he motioned to the door.

Hermiod cast one last longing glance in Rodney's direction before accompanying Lorne and the two Marines out of the door, leaving John and Rodney alone.

"Well," Rodney said, after long moments, "that was different."

"Different?" John just looked at him. " _Different_? I'll show you different," he muttered, stalking towards Rodney.

Rodney backed up, his hands held up placatingly. "John--"

He didn't get the rest of the sentence out as John tackled him onto the bed. "I seem to recall hearing a certain person mentioning being on his knees in front of me. You know, since I turned out to be, oh, absolutely right about the insane stalking rat." John nudged a thigh between Rodney's legs.

"I may have--" Rodney's breath hitched slightly, "--mentioned something along those lines," he admitted.

"Then how about you start now," John grinned at Rodney. And then he kissed him.

*

Hermiod stared at the wall of the holding cell, trying to work out where it had all gone so horribly wrong. He'd followed the suggestions in the book, but still his Beloved was with _that man_ and he was stuck in a cell. A cell! An engineer of the Asgard Fleet and he was stuck in a cell. The annoyance he felt at his predicament flickered higher as a shadow loomed over him. Raising his head to identify the newcomer, Hermiod paused.

"Well?" Colonel Caldwell looked at him. "You better start from the beginning, hadn't you."


	12. Chapter 12

John watched as Rodney paced the GateRoom.

"I can't believe you got me to agree to this."

*Pace*Pace*Pace*Turn*

"You do remember what he did, don't you?"

*Pace*Pace*Pace*Turn*

"Cold storage! Bees! Impersonating you to get to me!"

*Pace*Pace*Pace*Turn*

"What on Atlantis are we doing even agreeing to--"

"Rodney, calm down." John grabbed Rodney's arm as the other man stalked past. "I didn't see any harm in agreeing to Caldwell's request." Even if he had specified that it was to take place in public. When it was busy. And he knew at least seventeen of the Marines were standing by. Not that John was paranoid or anything, but he'd underestimated Hermiod once too often, and he wasn't about to give the little grey rat any more opportunities to play at being the evil mastermind with the hots for John's boyfriend.

Rodney just looked at him. "Explain to me again why we're doing this?"

"Because Caldwell asked and I didn't see any reason to refuse him," John pointed out reasonably. And how strange was it that John was now the one looking at this rationally?

"Didn't see any reason?" Rodney repeated, incredulity colouring his tone. "Like the insane stalking alien isn't reason enough?" He took John's hand. "If we leave now we can still escape back to your quarters and have hot, sweaty sex for the next three hours." Rodney smiled encouragingly and nodded.

John thought about it carefully. One the one hand, he'd promised Caldwell they would hear Hermiod out, but on the other, hot sweaty sex with Rodney was never something to turn down. He was just in the middle of working out if they had enough time to have hot sweaty sex and then make it back in time to meet Caldwell when the hum of the Daedalus's transporter answered his question.

"And to think," Rodney muttered, as two figures materialised, coalescing into Caldwell and Hermiod in a matter of moments, "you could have chosen the sex."

John was already halfway to regretting the fact that he hadn't when Caldwell placed a hand on Hermiod's back and gently propelled the Asgard forward.

"Colonel Sheppard, Dr McKay," Caldwell greeted them. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with us."

"Thank the Colonel," Rodney answered tersely. "If it had been up to me we'd be otherwise engaged."

A slight rise of an eyebrow was the only indication Caldwell gave of knowing exactly how they would have been 'otherwise engaged'. He looked down at Hermiod. "Hermiod?"

The Asgard looked at Rodney. "Dr McKay," he started, after a few moments, "I would like to apologise for whatever inappropriate actions I may have taken over the past months. It was wrong and I apologise."

Rodney looked at Hermiod for long seconds before nodding sharply.

Looking satisfied with Rodney's response, Hermiod turned to John. "Colonel Sheppard," he began, "I also apologise for any distress I may have caused you in that time."

John wasn't sure if the pause he heard was just his imagination or not so he let it go. After all, he could be the bigger man here - especially since it was him who got to go home with Rodney and have hot monkey sex and Hermiod got to go back to the stark walls of the Daedalus. "Don't worry about it, it's forgotten. What's a little assault and kidnapping between friends."

Caldwell's eyes narrowed slightly, but he remained quiet.

"Right then," said John, "if we're done here?"

"We are," Hermiod replied.

"Great." John took Rodney's hand and started to lead him out of the GateRoom. "Safe journey back," he called over his shoulder. "Be sure to avoid any Wraith you might see!"

When they were finally clear and in the corridor, John stopped for a moment and looked over at Rodney. "Hot sweaty sex?" he asked.

Rodney looked affronted that John thought he'd have to ask. "Absolutely."

John grinned. His city was fantastic, his boyfriend loved him, and the little grey rat was heading back to Earth. Life was back to normal at last.

*

Looking back, Hermiod realised how wrong he'd been. Rodney McKay was obviously too insecure with himself to be in love with someone with a higher intellect. That much was obvious by his relationship with John Sheppard. No, what Hermiod needed was someone in control, someone who knew exactly who they were and what they wanted. He watched as Colonel Caldwell barked orders to the Daedalus's bridge crew as he settled into the command chair before ordering the jump that would start them on the journey back to the Milky Way. Humming to himself as he started the diagnostic on the FTL drive, Hermiod let the dulcet tones of his Cherished's voice wash over him. The book was still in his quarters, and they had 18 days before they were due to arrive back on Earth. 18 days, and 94 untried ways to win his man. It looked like he had some planning to do.


End file.
